Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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