Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
