Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
