Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
