i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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