y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
