I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
