Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
