I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
