You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
