now i know why i became what i already was.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
