whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
