Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
