If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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