You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
