I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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