just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
