i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
