I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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