the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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