I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We have so much sex to catch up on
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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