If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
