Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
