I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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