im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
