I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
