Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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