Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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