I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
