2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
