What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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