I faked an abortion last night.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
