im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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