I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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