i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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