So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
