your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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