SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
