Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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