If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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