would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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