$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am available for nakedness
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
