It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
