So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
