U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
