I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
