I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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