New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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