just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
