I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She told me I should be a condom model.
There's always time for handjobs
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
