you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
