I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
