my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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