Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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