Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
