He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
