I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
