I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
