Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
