He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
